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| Even though yesterday WOULD have been 23 months, I somehow somewhat successfully (at times) forget about everything. Stephen, Thompson, Andrew, Ashley and I went to San Francisco for the day. We walked around Union Square and then walked to Chinatown. I still can't believe how I got lost going to Chinatown the last time we attempted to go. I now learned which way to go as well as where other shops that I never go to are located. It was just a wonderful day. I spent about $30 including food. All I did was buy a few things from Macy's, but it was all on sale and additional discounts with Macy's card and coupon! =D haha. I was soo happy, cuz I found the sweater that I wanted last month and got it yesterday for cheaper, and found some more clothes that would look very nice for my summer wardrobe next year. =P
At about 8pm, we headed up to Twin Peaks. None of us has ever been there, but it was a good to have that first memory with them =) It was so beautiful looking out at the whole bay area at night with all the lights from the bridges and buildings. Then the cars just added to all the light. It's definitely one of those things you have to go see before you die. We took so many pictures, and didn't reach the quota of the day. haha. We were each supposed to have 50 pictures per person and 250 total by the end of the day. I believe there was only 168 total. A little short, but whatever. It was just all fun and games.
Stephen drove, so I slept in the car on the ride back. We went to Chili's for dinner, and then headed back to Merced. I fell asleep and woke up when Stephen stopped for gas. Then he went to Jack In The Box to get an oreo shake, which he said he got for me, and handed it to me. but i didn't really want it, so he drank some and handed it to me again. So I drank a little, but instead of it keeping me awake, I only fell back asleep. haha. Sad. Usually those things make me crazy hyper, but not last night.
To close this entry up, is a picture of the bay that I took last night =)
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| Throughout the years, I have wondered what my type was, and what kind of guy I actually look for. I've never really had time to sit and think about it because I just usually talk to someone and I either end up liking them or not. I don't consciously look for certain aspects in a person, or certain traits.
Obviously, the first thing that anyone looks at are looks. That's one of the top things that just come to my mind. I don't really particularly care about looks, but they have to look decent. You always get your first impressions from how they present themselves. I think I don't really mind what the guy wears, as long as it looks good on them, and they know how to match. =P haha. And also, they have to have some kind of variety in their clothes. It can be the same t-shirt and same pants every day. That's just nasty and boring, but they don't need to have a complete wardrobe for a year.
When it comes to talking, I like guys who can hold a conversation themselves. I don't want to be the one to always start up a conversation and bring up certain topics to talk about. I like it when the guy can put in their thoughts and they wont just sit there listening. I like guys who are good listeners, but I also like guys who can talk too. I don't care how much you talk. Also, I don't like guy who have annoying voices. haha. There's just certain tones that some guys give off when talking that annoys the crap out of me.
Personality wise, I think he'd have to have a sense of humor. I will not date a guy who could not make me smile and laugh. He would have to be able to know how to cheer me up when I'm down. Also, I noticed that I like sensitive guys. I think it's cute how they show their vulnerable side and not always have to put up this hardcore front. It shows that they actually have emotions and they're not just robots. And, a guy that would be in touch with his feminine side too. I don't want to date a complete guy who wouldn't be able to understand the things that I go through, you know? And, it's funny to see guys so completely comfortable with their sexuality that whatever they do, they don't care. I love that in guys. It shows they know how to have fun and they're not just always stuck up on being a guy and impressing people.
I also find myself being really attracted to guys that have goals. They know what they want in life and know how to achieve it. It's the fact that they have goals. I don't care if something gets in the way and their goals have to be changed. It's just nice to hear and think: "Wow. This guy knows where he's going in life and what he wants out of it." It impresses me since I know what I want out of my life, and I know what I want to be.
Number one thing for me is that he has to look good in a tux/suit. Ohmygosh. I'm a sucker for guys who look good dressed up professionally. I think it's hot. haha. Most guys just look so much better dressed up than dressed down.
I think on top of everything that was listed above, other little things that he would have would be to understand me and put up with all the things I do. I don't want some overly jealous guy who will make me desert all my guy friends. I won't date a guy like that, for sure. I don't want to have to give up my best and closest friends just because of a guy. Definitely not worth it. I mean, having a guy that gets jealous is cute cuz it shows that he really cares and loves you and wants you for himself, but not someone who's completely controlling over your life.
I guess that's "my type" lol. Oh! and they also can't be really scrawny. I like kinda built guys =P or some that have some type of muscles. haha. | | |
| Sometimes I miss you like crazy and can't stop thinking about you, and want to be with you. Other times, I feel like I just don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. man... i wish i didn't have these "conflicting" feelings.
One part of me is telling me to just get over it. and I was so about to be completely over it, and just drop everything yesterday. I was sooo ready. But then, seeing you today just completely changed my mind somehow. I don't know why. Maybe getting over you is harder than it seems. Every time I see you smile, or when you talk to me, I feel special. Or, I feel like you still love me, and still want to be with me, but you know you can't due to the lack of time or whatever the heck it is.
I don't know. My days are like rollercoasters that never end and never stop spinning and having their ups and downs. | | |
| I knew I wasn't the only one that felt this way. I knew that I was not the only one seeing these changes happen right before my eyes. I knew that the day things started to go downhill, that was only the beginning of one of many changes. You've changed for the worse. The people you used to trust and confide to, you don't any more. The people you used to hang out with and talk to all the time, you don't talk to anymore. You decided this. This is the path that you have chosen. These are the things that you want to do, and the way you want to treat people. This is the way that you want things done, and that's how it's going to be. There's no use in stopping you. Even talking to you about this would probably do nothing. You probably won't even listen.
I feel like whatever I say anymore you won't even take seriously. You probably don't even listen. You probably don't even care. But whatever. It's your choice. You can do what you want. I'm not stopping you, no one is. People will get tired of it eventually. You'll just be left here alone eventually. I hear things, but I don't tell you about it because I know you won't listen. I wish I could talk to you and get you to be who you USED to be, but I think it's too late.
I don't know who you're trying to impress. What are you trying to prove? Why are you doing the things you're doing? It doesn't make any sense anymore. I don't know who you are anymore. You're not the person I used to know, and I'm just going to leave it at that. I want my best friend back. I want the person who always had my back, who always cared for me and took care of me. Come back to me as the person you once were, but if you're just going to stay the way you are now, I really could care less. | | |
| I don't intentionally think about things, they just appear in my mind and then I get lost in thought about it. I don't purposely go, OMGOSH. I should think about you today. It just happens. There's so many days that I go through and think: "I wonder how he is and if he misses me, and still loves me. I wonder if in the future things will be back to how it once was, or maybe better"
It's not my fault that sometimes, when I'm sitting in the lantern, or wherever I am at, something appears in my sight that reminds me of you. It's not my fault that no matter where I go, everything points me back to you. I try not to think about things, I really do, but it doesn't work that easily. Maybe for you, but not for me. I see this guy that reminds me of you cuz of his hair and his clothes back in freshman year all he time. He has the same strap over backpack you once had, even though it's a different brand. Then whenever I see someone with a broken right hand, it reminds me of you when you broke your hand freshman year. Sometimes, from there, my mind just drifts off through memory lane and reminds me of all the different moments that we've had, whether they're good or bad.
Some people are probably thinking why do I even still love this guy even though we're not even together anymore. Why do I miss you so much? Why does my love for you continue to grow instead of fade?
I never said this in person, or ever before, but every time something happens, I feel like I'm the one that always fights for things to be better. You tend to accuse me of all these random weird things that never happen or never will happen, and think about all these weird unrealistic situations. I'm always the one, and still feel like I am, fighting to stay together. Fighting for us to be together one day again.
I know a lot of people keep telling me that I'll find someone else. You were the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. Best because you brought so much joy in my life. You shared with me so much love, and you cared for me like no one ever has before in my life. No one has ever spent that much time on me before. No one has even been that caring and loving to me. You're the best boyfriend anyone can ever ask or wish for. With you, I felt like I didn't need anything else in the world. It was just me and you against the world. I always felt like that... like someone or something was always there against us being together, but we always proved them wrong. We're right for each other. You're the one that's supposed to be for me.
Then, after we broke up, my life slowly started to fall apart piece by piece, but slowly rebuilding day by day. I guess, I just tried to get myself to drown myself in school work, and trying to prove to you that I can do good in school. School's just such a pain in the butt. I sometimes wish that it could end already so I can get out of here and do something with my life. Sure, studying is doing something with your life, but at the same time, I want to be able to do something more than just read books and know how to memorize facts. I don't think, in the end, that's what life comes down to. It's not just all about memorizing stuff, it's about learning and growing from everything.
I hate those nights when I dream of you and everything seems to be alright, but I wake up only to realize that it was only a dream, nothing more and nothing less than just a dream. It felt so weird sleeping by myself for a while because I was so used to you being there next to me all the time. It was just imprinted there, like without you, I couldn't sleep comfortably.
It's so hard standing next to you too, knowing that you're not going to hold my hand, hug me, or do anything but just stand there. How did something with so much love for one another just fade away so quick. I didn't even have time see the changes, I didn't even know that things were changing. It was only the first or second week of school when all this happened. That wasn't even enough time to figure things out. But that was it. It just took one to two weeks after three months of living together.
Now things are just so different. I feel like you don't even want to talk to me half the time, and you just talk to me whenever you need something. It's never just talking to me like a regular conversation that two people would carry out. I feel like we have to watch what we say to one another, and stick to strictly school topics or how your activities are going. I just sometimes wish that you weren't the president for two things, and that you had more time. I wish that I had more time for everything so none of this would have ever happened. But I guess all I can do now is just wish and hope for the best to come out of all of this. | | |
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